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We are in Oslo, Fall 2007. Bottolf Grønnro from Innerdalen in Sunndal in Møre og Romsdal, Norway, has just won the Nobel Peace Prize for being a real peaceful chap. Not once has Bottolf harrassed even an irritating Innerdal fly.

Two sharp-dressed men from the British secret service MI6 knock on the door in Henrik Ibsen Street.

Secretary: Two civilian dressed gentlemen to see you, Geir!

Geir: Please let them in, Trine.

Secretary: Mr Dino Slaughtermeyer and Mr Luigi Slaughtermeyer.

(The Slaughtermeyer brothers enter. They wear Mafia suits and dark glasses.)

Dino: Good morning, Director.

Geir: Good morning gentlemen. Now what can I do for you?

Luigi: (Looking round office casually.) You’ve … you’ve got a nice Peace Institute here, Director.

Geir: Yes.

Luigi: We wouldn’t want anything to happen to it.

Geir: What?

Dino: No, what my brother means is it would be a shame if… (He knocks something off mantel).

Geir: Oh.

Dino: Oh sorry, Director.

Geir: Well don’t worry about that. But please do sit down.

Luigi: No, we prefer to stand, thank you, Director.

Geir: All right. All right. But what do you want?

Dino: What do we want, ha ha ha.

Luigi: Ha ha ha, very good, Director.

Dino: The Director’s a joker, Luigi.

Luigi: Explain it to the Director, Dino.

Dino: How many bookshelves you got, Director?

Geir: About five hundred altogether.

Luigi: Five hundred! Hey!

Dino: You ought to be careful, Director.

Geir: We are careful, extremely careful.

Dino: ‘Cos things break, don’t they?

Geir: Break?

Luigi: Well, everything breaks, don’t it, Director. (He breaks something on desk.) Oh dear.

Dino: Oh see my brother’s clumsy, Director, and when he gets unhappy he breaks things. Like say, he don’t feel the Peace Institute’s playing fair by him, he may start breaking things, Director.

Geir: What is all this about?

Luigi: How many men you got here, Director?

Geir: Oh, er … five board member, three stand-in members, and er, me and the secretary.

Luigi: Secretary, Dino.

Dino: Be a shame if someone was to set fire to her.

Geir: Set fire to her?

Luigi: Fires happen, Director.

Dino: Things burn.

Geir: Look, what is all this about?

Dino: My brother and I have got a little proposition for you, Director.

Luigi: Could save you a lot of bother.

Dino: I mean you’re doing all right here, aren’t you, Director?

Luigi: Well, suppose some of your bookshelves was to get broken and board members started getting lost, er, fights started breaking out during plenary sessions, like.

Dino: It wouldn’t be good for business, would it, Director?

Geir: Are you threatening me?

Dino: Oh, no, no, no.

Luigi: Whatever made you think that, Director?

Dino: The Director doesn’t think we’re nice people, Luigi.

Luigi: We’re your buddies, Director.

Dino: We want to look after you.

Geir: Look after me?

Luigi: We can guarantee you that not a single shelf section will get done over for fifteen bob a week.

Geir: No, no, no.

Luigi: Twelve and six.

Geir: No, no, no.

Luigi: Eight and six … five bob…

Geir: No, no, this is silly.

Dino: What’s silly?

Geir: No, the whole premise is silly and it’s very badly written. I’m the senior officer here and I haven’t had a funny line yet. So I’m stopping it.

Dino: You can’t do that!

Geir: I’ve done it. The sketch is over.

[Slightly rewritten from Monty Python, Army Protection Racket.]


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